11 February 2005

when you already know the answer,

how do you tell your boss that the reason you do your job poorly, the reason you seem like you're not really here, is that you aren't really here, that you've already checked out, that you don't seem like part of this office because you don't want to be. that everything he says has right underneath it the fact that he thinks this is all secondary, this is all removed from the art. that you know he wanted to be a writer, a director, and that he thinks less of himself for being someone else's facilitator. how do you tell him that you were excited about the job when he made it worthwhile, when he made it seem like you all were doing important work, before the bitterness and regret started to seep. how do you tell him that that's why you don't seem to be here - because you're not, nor do you think you should be.

you don't tell him any of that. you nod and bite your thumb, and then you go and you catch up on filing.

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