08 February 2007

Totally Fucked. Or not, as the case may be.

I came home last night to find this taped to my bedroom door:

Thanks, roomies.

The cover article lists 33 reasons one might be single, with helpful pointers on overcoming the obstacle at hand - Afraid of commitment? Plan casual dates! Too controlling? Nude wrestle with Jonathan Ames! Or something like that. 33 reasons one could be single... ever one for introspection, I tested myself against the list. I've copied the whole thing here, bolded those that (maybe) apply to me, italicized the questionable.

Because you're desperate
Because you're afraid of commitment
Because you love the sound of your voice (fuck yes I do.)
Because you're too shy
Because you're too controlling
Because you're cheap (I'm cheap, but is that really interfering? I'm not cheap about dates. But maybe I need to not be cheap about clothing and, like, under-eye cream?)
Because you just got dumped and have pledged never to love again
Because you have too many roommates
Because you're allergic to everything (I think they mean that there's nowhere you can eat - sorta true - and not "You always have a stuffy nose," right?)
Because you're overweight (James always tells me I am. Does that count?)
Because you're obsessed with your pet
Because you only speak in catchphrases
Because you have bad breath
Because you're a straight woman who only goes out with her gay friends (Close enough to: Because you're a straight woman and the only men you meet and/or like are gay.)
Because you're a gay man who only goes out with his straight friends
Because you can't get over your ex
Because your voice could cut glass (The question of this - I can't really tell from inside my head, and they do have me record the voice mail thing at work, but I know I'm loud - brought on some good roommate honesty. I also learned that Kate doesn't actually think I'm gay, nor does James, though he and I agree that I could get with a girl, like, circumstantially. But that DOESN'T MAKE ME GAY.)
Because you have no style (I don't know why the roommates let me get a pass on this one, but I'll take it.)
Because you're a gal who can't stop dating musicians (What if I wish that were the case? It's more that I can't stop crushing on writers. You think actors are bad? Ha!)
Because you only like people who don't like you (Double-bold, if I could. This is actually the reason, with most of the other bolded reasons just the reasons the people whom I like don't like me. I have no idea what the people who like me do see in me. Which is maybe telling.)
Because you're in love with yourself
Because you're secretly gay
Because you work till all hours
Because you're a guy who's too nice
Because you party too much
Because you don't drink
Because you're ugly
Because you're too pretty
Because you blog about everything (If no blog post before has ruined my chances for love, I'm taking care of that now.)
Because you have a kid (Not that I know of! Ha!)
Because you're a short and skinny guy
Because you look like the Gotti kids
Because you're addicted to sex (Again, then we wouldn't have a problem.)
Because you hate yourself
Because you're too close to your parents
[As I'm copying this off the Time Out website, I'm realizing there are more reasons there than in the print version. More room for introspection!]
Because you're too picky
Because you're too judgemental
Because you're a homebody
Because you're so damn angry

17 out of 38. For comparison's sake, when the list went to 33 (ending after addicted to sex), my roommates had 3 and 4, while I was a clean 15. But they're just single because one has a cold, cold heart, and the other, well, I think she wants to be. But maybe I do, too, and this is all just a carefully constructed defense so I won't have to explain that I want to be single. It's okay. I'm spending Valentine's Day at a play about parents whose baby died of a heart defect. With my gay roommate. It's totally okay.


Freeman said...

This is, I'm sorry...this is brilliant. All of it. I laughed my ass off the whole time I was reading it.

Especially when you bold "I hate myself" and left no explanation. Because, of course, none is needed.

Thank you.

Johnny said...

I'm sorry too. Because I wouldn't do this. But I know James doesn't ready your blog, and I can't let it pass.

Jaime...you forgot to embolden one important option that applies to you.

(Let James know I took care of this.)

Jaime said...

Freeman, thank you!

And John, I have no idea what the hell you're talking about. We already established that James and Kate don't actually think I'm gay - do you need to work on your reading comprehension? - so this can only mean you're calling me ugly or publicizing the fact that half of my spoken words are Eddie Izzard references. The trick with those is that no one knows.

But seriously, what are you talking about?

parabasis said...

What, you think no one knows when you say
Look, I just want some brown bread! Some brown bread!... no, that's diesel oil. that it might be an Izzard reference?

Johnny said...

Not GAY...Jaime. It's because you're Jewish.


Anonymous said...

oh god. there's just really nothing left for me to say... ever. ever again.